2nd bomb meaning my AFA teacher really called me (and 2 others) up to discuss about having an extra revision class just for us personally, as our grades are...in the danger zone. Basically exactly what happened with my MACC module too.
I'm not going to deny. I already know I'm in deep shit when I got back my paper the other day, and I barely passed.
But my teacher didn't call me up that time, so I thought it should be fine.
Haha of course not. Dream on.
She said that if we don't blank out or screw up anything, we should be okay. We should pass.
However we're really in the danger zone, so she wants to have an extra revision class just for us, to push us and help us pass the module.
=====================================================
Again, my heart dropped.
I felt so weak. Not physically. I felt very depressed.
Sad. Miserable. And the overwhelming feeling to cry again.
Imagine being told twice that you have to buck up for two different modules, or you're not going to graduate from school.
Both are accounting modules. One is heavy credit (6 credits) too.
Today, once again I cried. Twice.
Once was when I was walking back home from the station. I couldn't hold it in, from the feelings of sadness and despair. Tears flowed out, and I had to stay downstairs at the lift lobby to dry my tears before taking the lift up.
Twice, was when I finally broke what I've been worrying all along to my parents later this evening. And I couldn't hold it in again. It was hard to break it to them.
In all honesty, in all my years of studying in school, I never, ever thought that one day, I'll be faced with this problem of not being able to graduate smoothly.
In primary school and secondary school, I was doing quite okay. I may not be the best in class, but I did get pretty decent grades (maybe not in sec 3, but towards end of sec 4 and O levels, I graduated with decent grades, enough to enter both JC/Poly).
So you can imagine how demoralized I was, to find that I've basically "downgraded". I now find myself being amongst the weakest in class. My grades were no longer As and Bs, but instead dropping to Cs and Ds.
That already started crushing my self confidence. But I know that poly studies are never easy. But I never thought that I'd be killed that terribly.
To the point, that I'm facing difficulty in two important modules, and I may not be able to graduate because of them.
Maybe I'm just genuinely tired already. I'm tired of trying again and again. Because whatever I do, it never pays off. So I haven't been paying attention in lectures or tutorials (zoning out), not trying to follow the teacher, or haven't been practising enough. Before all these happens.
But unfortunately, I'm not one of those naturally smart people who doesn't need to study and can still do well in exams.
So I suffered terribly. My grades are threading below the pass mark now.
And in this moment now, I feel like a big failure. As a person. At life in general.
I don't understand. Why can others do much better than me in this course? Why can't I just do it? Why can't I just grasp the concepts? Why am I not smart? Why why why??
我觉得我真的很失败。
失败了父母。失败了大家。更失败了自己。
Truthfully I am very, very scared now. Tell me who wouldn't be if they're in my shoes?
My graduation is at stake. Twice the stake now.
If I have to retain and retake my two modules, I'll have to stay back for another half a year.
If I fail the two modules again, I'll have to drop out from school.
If that happens, where can I go???
What can I do?
What are my life paths from here?
I ONLY HAVE AN O LEVEL CERT IF I DROP OUT.
WHERE CAN I GO??!!?!
No, the amount of despair and sadness I'm feeling cannot be expressed fully in mere black and white words.
If I drop out...my dreams of going to uni is totally crushed. Because no matter what, I need the diploma cert to enter uni. Never mind GPA anymore.
If I drop out...I can only go to work with my O level cert. And I need to think how can I progress in life from here. Work on my secondary path, the music path?
Study grade 6 theory, get a diploma in music, go on the music teacher path?
Work at Yamaha music school as a music teacher?
No...
I really never thought that I'd be faced with this problem.
But at the same time, I learnt.
I learnt that life is really not smooth.
You're suddenly faced with this obstacle. And I can't see my life ahead of this obstacle.
So it's really, really scary.
But my parents told me that no matter what, they'll accept my results. I'm their daughter. They'll forever support me.
They told me whatever scenario happen, it's okay.
I retain? It's okay.
I fail the modules and drop out? It's also okay.
There is not only one path in life. There are many other paths in life, that we can choose to go.
Maybe this is fate's harsh way of telling me that I'm really not meant to take up an accounting job in my life. Maybe it's sending me a signal that I should divert my pathway to other choices in life. Who knows.
If I do graduate, I'm gonna pursue something else. Maybe psychology, or business related courses like business admin. Who knows
But you know.
I've always been fighting in my life. Every day.
Because I swore to myself, that I'll keep going on.
Even with all this shit thrown to me. I'll still keep putting that step forward.
Because we still have to live. We still have to go on with life.
Therefore I'll continue living each day like normal.
Wake up, brush teeth, eat breakfast, go school, study, eat, go home.
And revise.
And keep fighting.
I'm going to do myself proud.
Not in terms of results (that'll be a bonus),
I'm going to be brave, and never give up.
Even...if in reality, I'm just very, very scared now.
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