Yeah, I just spent the past 10 minutes or so sitting in front of my desk and laptop, with the accountancy pamphlet spread open, and cried.
What happened was:
Just now, I was still standing outside in the living room, flipping through today's newspapers as my dad was telling me about our ex-union leader who ran away and finally surrended himself so he could spend the last moments of his life with his family back at home, rather than in a foreign land-- but whatever, move on.
After that, he started nagging me about my uni application again. With my mom. But him mostly. Like after my friend Shu Ying came to my house on Friday to scan her stuff for uni application, my mom started telling me to think about it and constantly mentioned me to remember, and my dad joined in too. Night, morning, afternoon night, everyday till now. Like, the pressure and stress build up is there you know?!
I eventually grew very irritated and finally "snapped" (cuz I didn't snap that dramatically like some other ppl *eyes my sister*, just said in an annoyed tone) at my dad to stop telling me, like I know, I'm big enough, I won't forget my own uni application deadline (11 Jan - 18th March), like just. Stop reminding me about it because it really stresses me out you know?? Then they told me not to stress about it, my dad's just trying to help me, but of course they wouldn't understand why I'm stressed!!!
Then I just went back into my room, shut the door and sat here. And reflected on what happened just now. And I felt guilty and started to cry on my shitty attitude towards my parents, especially my dad in this situation, who just genuinely wanted to help me, although he's really too naggy. And I felt so shitty. Like they just want to help me. And I'm like this to them.
And why am I like this to them? Why am I delaying my application??
Simply because I wasn't prepared. I didn't have the heart to submit my application (and because I don't really have the stuff prepared yet haha). Applying for university itself is scary enough, because firstly there's admission interviews. Secondly you must be prepared to face this course for another 3 years of your life. Thirdly you must be prepared to face the work that comes after this course.
It's not like I haven't decided. This morning, I woke up and sat on my bed for a good 10-15 minutes, looking out of the window. And thought a lot on this. In my heart, I already know where I have to go. There's only one place I can go. Two actually. Just that I felt that hospitality business, even though it's not accountancy, and offers some sort of comfort, is a relatively different course from what I've been studying. And going into a course in university, where you completely have no fundamental knowledge of, is...challenging. You will not be able to skip the first year because you have to learn everything from scratch, and in university, of course it's not going to be any more easier than poly.
Of course it's not impossible, but for someone like me who isn't that good enough in academics, I felt that it is still better to continue with the same course I've been studying, and am familiar with. But I know. Of course I know. I don't like accounting. But neither do I like hospitality business, and in that field, all the more you have to deal with people. So what's the difference honestly? I am indifferent between the two. Just that I don't like accounting more than hospitality business. But that's because I've never studied hospitality business before, so I cannot really say anything to be honest. Even if I went into hospitality business, I may end up saying I hate hospitality business too. Plus from what I heard from Shu Ying, who have a friend studying a course similar to hospitality business, that course requires a lot of memorisation, and sometimes the tests has content that depends on your luck (kind of like O levels SS and history), and her friend gets very stressed from it too.
My memorisation skills sucks, and truth be told, I cannot see myself being a hostable person LOL
So I thought I should just go back to accounting. Even though I hate it. But we're allowed to skip a year.
And I told myself that, even if I really cannot handle it and have to drop out of uni eventually, it's okay. (After all the stress and trouble of applying and going through school interview and succeeding, you tell me it's okay?! -- my other self will say HAHA) But if it's really not meant to be, if I'm really not good enough, maybe it's fated that I won't be able to finish uni. But that's another story apart. It's all going to be okay. (not) I just need to get my diploma first, no matter what.
So anyway.
I decided. I'll be going to SIT accountancy too.
But I haven't got my stuff ready HAHA.
Anyway, back to my crying.
That's only one reason (my guilt for being shitty towards my parents) LOL
Second reason is, I thought back about what happened on Thursday morning, what my teacher told me again. And that led me to cry even more.
I know, and I'm sorry. Even though you guys all tell me not to think too much about it. But the fear is still there. I can never forget her words.
And I cried. The worry came back. Will I even be able to get my diploma at this rate? Can I safely think about my future milestone, apply for uni, with the confidence that I'll be able to graduate from poly by 9 May??
See, I'm so pathetic. Does a pathetic person like me who cries almost everyday now deserve a place in university?
*dries tears, wipes face, and throws tissue into the bin*
Of course.
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