I

I thought today will be a normal, relaxing day.

Apparently a lot happened today.

Firstly in the morning, I woke up to a big surprise.
I found a big bag containing neko atsume toys sitting on my floor! <3

 Conductor whiskers!

 Ms Fortune! And tubbs!

 

And I hugged all three of them at once immediately when I saw them <3333

And I was so happy, I immediately started messaging all my friends and thanked my sister.

But at the same time...I also instantly knew I was in for deep shit. Because my mom had warned me before that she doesn't want to see me collecting more toys because they take up space, collect dust, and she has to wash all of these etc etc.

True enough, she really got mad when she entered my room to collect money. (I borrowed $100 from her yesterday for the cat cafe as I'm lazy to withdraw money myself)

Her face instantly grew black as she stared at the toys. And I stared back at her, and then she didn't raise her voice, but she was clearly angry as she started saying how there's more toys etc etc...
That time, she was obviously angry at me. But the thing is, I know she'll be mad if I collected more toys. Hence I never asked for the toys. It's my sister and her bf who chose to give it to me themselves. I am not pushing the blame to them or anything. My point is, I'm not at fault. That's all I want to say. Hence, when I looked at her as she scolded me, I wasn't feeling guilty. I wasn't feeling bad.

I was actually feeling angry with her. She was getting angry with me, who have done nothing wrong. If I had requested for the toys, then yes she has all right to be angry with me. But I have not said anything, yet I found the toys on the floor. 

But.

I never shot back at my mother. It has never been my character to shoot back at anyone. This is why I'm an easy target to bully I guess. But to my mother, I have really never raised my voice at her or anything before. This time wasn't any different too. I guess I just really...sigh okay. No matter what, my mother's scary when she's angry. So I just kept quiet, not feeling guilty but also feeling I can't win at that point of time.

I told my sister too, who says I deserve it? And then after she got scolded, she told me I'm a bitch.
I'm like what the fuck, what's wrong with her.
I told her frankly that she should have expected this when she gave me the toys.

Anyway, I'm also not the person to keep everything totally in.
So I posted on facebook:



And my mom saw, and she came to my room much later after I ate lunch.
She said she have thought about it when she went out to buy groceries, and realized she's really the one at fault this time. She should have asked me first if I had asked for the toys myself, before getting mad at all. So she apologized to me, and I forgave her.

The reason why she instantly got mad, was most probably because of my sister.
Who has never listened to her
Who has always hurt her.
So naturally and instinctly, my mom got mad.
Except she got mad with the wrong person, which is me.

But now she has clarified that she's not mad with me, but with my sister.

But still she doesn't want to see so many toys on my bed, so we took a spare pillowcase and stuffed some of the toys inside and kept in my shelf.

After that, we went to find some coats for me to bring to Japan.
Ended up using my sister's old coats which she don't use anymore:

 

According to her, it's not warm enough but doesn't matter for me. I can still wear several layers inside and get heat packs, gloves, scarf etc. I rather do that then go and buy new coat for....$100++ T_T
And for a small luggage I can't fit both, so most probably I'm bring the light colour coat.

Then I chatted with my mom about some personal stuff where I shall not share here, but it's related to her will, and about giving red pack money to seniors.

Watched anime too. The cmpire of corpses movie is finally out.
Trailer looks promising but the actual movie...meh. Like the song by Egoist though.



"Door" by Egoist.

Had planned to work on my graduate testimonial but meh...no mood. So I went to shower, play piano and then had dinner already.

My dad came back after spending 3 days in Malaysia. Told him about the phone matter, and he was so triumphant c: bwaha
So glad my first phone repair experience was good.

My brother later consulted my parents about his university choices, since A level results were released today, and now he has 4-5 days to submit his uni application choices.
Don't know if he'll be successful though, since his A level results are like a couple years old already.

Realized he's already doing more successful than me, as a tutor. He currently has 5 students, and he's already earning ~$1,000 per week. Since he charges $30/hour, and he works around 25 hours per week?

I grew depressed then. Of course who wouldn't be, after hearing someone else more successful than you?
But the truth is I should be happy for my brother, right? After all, he withdrew from his uni in the first year. Yet he's definitely more successful than many of his peers who's still in the chemical engineering course.
And he has a goal in life. He aims to be a full time tutor. He sees potential in that path. He aims to get a degree from NTU to better his qualifications as a tutor, then become his own boss of his tuition business.

Then they asked me about my uni choices. Feeling depressed, feeling inferior, feeling demoralized, I didn't really have the mood to answer them.
Hence my post below.

What for give me a talent (perfect pitch) that I don't even have use for?
What for give me something which I can't implement in future work? What for do I have this ability which won't even help me much?
If at the end of the day I'm still going to be stupid in my academic studies and waste my talent, what's the whole purpose of my life???

I rather be smart, like my brother.
I rather have the brains, that Singapore wants here.
My life could have been so much easier.
I wouldn't have to spend the days in school crying over the possibility that I can't graduate and have to retain.
I wouldn't be spending my time being demoralized that I'm actually not as smart.
I would have a chance to enter the local universities.

But no.

So I'm stuck with SIMge (because I don't want to pursue accountancy or HR in SIT).
Which is a private university.
And causes a huge burden on my parent's finances.

And I'm not earning enough from the event jobs I have now.
Just now I saw an admin job, commitment period from 11 April to 17 June or September.
And I can't apply because my sister can't confirm..................................................
She gave a probable period. From 26 March to 3rd April.
But cannot confirm.

Seriously should I just go and apply sighhhhhhhhhhhh

Life is tough.

Also can't blame my sister too.

Really regretting now.......

*puts face in hands*

What is this.