That voice in my head.

I am an introvert.

In a world where humans constantly judge each other, I keep my mouth shut more than I speak.
In a group, I am one of those who speaks less, or rarely speaks at all in a more unfamiliar group.
Outside, I have an exterior of quiet, peace, and calm.
Inside, I often have a war going on inside my brain.

I have an inner voice in me.
Well, all of us have our own inner voices.
But my inner voice tends to have a mind of its own.
Each day, from the most trivial stuff to the most serious decisions, I would often argue with that inner voice inside my mind.
Not all the time, of course. Sometimes we will agree on my actions immediately without word; other times I would think about what I should do, and my brain will generate some options, and we will start arguing over those options.
The conversations are generally funny but at the same time I found it really interesting.
Why do you always argue with me?! I often asked my inner voice. Aren't we supposed to be one and work together?

I'd like to think that my inner voice belongs to a little person residing in my mind. When we argue, that little person really seems to have a character of its own.

So I was lying on my bed just now thinking about how I was excluded out from the invitations to my secondary(middle) school's 20th anniversary event.[Show][Hide]
Yeah, it doesn't sound too good, but I think it was my fault that I didn't reply to the email that they first sent out by a certain deadline, although in my defense the email said to reply if you're driving which I'm not because I can't even drive in the first place so I did not reply.
So yeah. After that, nothing came from them anymore, as expected.
I had agreed to go to the event with my cousin, who did reply to the email, although she said she's not driving, and since she replied of course she got the invitation card from them. She even got a call from them.
I felt guilty, because well, we agreed to go together, but I did not get the invitation card, because I did not reply to the email because I thought there wasn't a need to. Yes. Naive me.
After that, my cousin replied saying she didn't feel like going, because she didn't think that the event was that special, although I had a feeling that it was partly because I couldn't go anymore. I feel really really bad.
Urgh. Lesson learnt, always reply to whatever email you have when asking for an invitation to a large event.
I thought about how a classmate of mine got called back by the school's vice principal herself to give a 7-10 minute speech, and how she was really smart, excelled at her CCA and had lots of good friends. And I didn't really like her from the start when I first met her at secondary 1, and I'm sure she didn't really like me or thought little of me too, although I guess it changed as we grew older.
Then I thought about how I saw a picture of my best friend on Facebook going on stage to receive some award, and how she made it to the Director's list because of her extremely good GPA.
I thought about how ahead my friends were of me in terms of academics. I thought about how active they were as I see my instagram flooded with their fun activities.
I thought about how I lazed around at home everyday during the holidays, only going out occasionally with my friends, and how I was being unproductive.

I laid there, in my silent, air-conditioned room, and the seconds ticked by. Slowly, that question surfaced in my mind.
Why was I even born?
I was achieving nothing. I have mediocre grades, mediocre looks, few friends to hang out with, no extra co-curricular activities to do in the school holidays; I still don't even know what I want to do in my life.
Don't I sound such a boring person in life? With a boring life. Just lazing around at home all day playing games on Facebook, occasionally going to the library to borrow one or two books to read at home.
If the human race were to experience all kinds of disasters on the earth and food, water and even clean air supply is running low right now, I can tell that I'll be one of the first people they will get rid off, because I'm so unproductive and useless.
After that question, comes my reply.
Heck, I didn't even chose to come here. I'm something that shouldn't even exist. 
Which was technically true. Those weren't just self-pitying thoughts. I am an accident, which is why my father seemingly showed more love towards me than my other two siblings, which is definitely NOT true. He loves all of us equally, just that it seems like he showed more love towards me.
Contrary to popular thoughts that it's just because I'm his youngest child, which may be partly true, but it was more to make up for the fact that I was unplanned, whereas my two older siblings were planned.
So, an unplanned child, achieving nothing so far in her tertiary life, with mediocre grades, a non-active social life, and academically average compared to her two older siblings who are academically smarter, have better looks and have a more social life than me.
Yet, I am still here. I said to myself bitterly. I didn't contract any life-threatening diseases before, and I haven't gotten into anything that threatens to take my life away. Fate wants me to keep living. 

THEN KEEP ON LIVING!!!

My inner voice shouted at me.

There are youth your age, children even younger than you, who have a goal in their minds, have an even stronger spirit than you, yet lost their lives to cancer, tumors, or other life threatening illnesses, or are involved in some tragic disasters, and here you are lamenting to yourself how pitiful you are, which YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, and wallowing in self pity when you can do so many things!! You have a healthy body, not easily prone to illnesses, a set of normal arms and legs, and you can think and speak normally. All five senses are working normally. Already you can do so many things that you often take for granted! If you don't know what you want to do, FINE! Just keep studying in your course first! Slowly figure out what you want to do! The least you can do is to keep living!! Don't give up on life so easily! You have something, something that many other people cannot afford to have! LIFE! KEEP LIVING!!!!

Yes.
This is the kind of thing that my inner voice will say to me.
It will often shout and shoot back at me, and it can be really frank.
That's why I think that my inner voice has a personality of its own.
So I replied to my inner voice:

Yeah. I know.
I'm still walking foward, even now. My life energy is still there.
You don't see me down on the ground, do you?
Because even then, I'm still walking.
My footprints are there.
No matter how life pushes me back, I will show life how strong I am.
One step foward after another.
As long as you see me take one step foward,
As long as you don't see me stop,
The game is not over.